Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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