Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
