the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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