bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
