someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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