Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
