Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
