He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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