I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
