now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
