My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
