Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
