on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
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