Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
