why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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