whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
