You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
