Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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