If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
bring money and cleavage
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
