i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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