i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
