I wish my penis had an off switch
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Randomize
