bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
