im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
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