Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
