i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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