Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
