I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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