Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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