One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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