i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Actions speak louder than pants.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
