I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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