Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
