I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
