My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I got inside last night via doggy door
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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