On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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