Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
