I can text with my tongue
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
