went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
