Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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