U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
