It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just had sex on a roof
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
