from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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