I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
