How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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