i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
