Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
