maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize