He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
