Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
