I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
