I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
