im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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