I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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