Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
