You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
