She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
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