I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
