is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
